Five Months

September 8, 2016

Five months ago today, Tai William CheolHo Bowler was carried off of an airplane by his Appa in Dallas, Texas, and became an official citizen of the United States of America.

Welcome to America, little man!

Waiting to hand over our important manila envelope to the immigration officer

Five months. Sometimes it feels as though he has always been with us. Other times, I am blindsided by circumstances that illustrate just how little time we have spent with him. This past month has rivaled only the first as the most difficult thus far. For the most part, this has very little to do with Tai and a lot to do with everyone going back to school. Attempting to precisely time a nap to coincide with getting big kids to their respective activities can get stressful. Holding a tired, screaming toddler while trying to help a seventh grader with Algebra I homework and follow up on the fifth grader who is supposed to be taking out the trash all before I shove kids in the car to take Anna to dance at 4:00 each day is rough.

We are making progress in regard to attachment, but it is SLOW...

Anna remarked last night, "He hasn't gotten upset the last few times that Dad has taken him to bed instead of you." Yesssss!!! We celebrate small victories around here. This is one of them.

Despite meandering our way through the day in a fairly sleep-deprived state, life with this little guy is awesome. Getting to know him brings us joy on a daily basis. He is funny and silly, and usually in a good mood. Unless it is time to sleep through the night or take a nap... but I digress.

Tai surprises us with his constantly growing English vocabulary. Every day he adds new words. He often points to items and wants us to repeat their names to him, but he will not attempt to say the words himself. Suddenly, a few days later, he blurts out the word in his cute, toddler English. He talks constantly... and sometimes we understand him. :)

His speech is like binoculars. At first, everything is blurry. He loves to pretend with his Thomas the Tank Engine and friends or his rescue and construction vehicles. He crashes them together and excitedly exclaims, "Oh, no!" or "Uh oh!" He follows this announcement with a fast and furious flurry of other words, mostly incomprehensible. A mix of English and Korean... Konglish. Recently, those words are starting to pop out at us... like the distant figures on the other side of binoculars as you slowly draw them into focus. Or a camera lens as you peer through the viewfinder and make adjustments to bring your subject into focus.

Currently, my favorite Tai saying is "Tai mmmm," or "Mmmm Tai," or "Ommma, mmmm Tai." This is Tai-speak for "Hold me and snuggle me." As Matt pointed out, I usually say, "Mmmmmm," as I close my eyes and snuggle him close. He wraps his little arms around me and pulls me in as he nestles his head into my shoulder or chest. I will never tire of "Tai mmms."

Tai has grown in his love of Thomas and all things train, but he still loves Tayo and Robocar Poli. He is trying to learn all of the names of the various trains. This entails a lot of Tai taking my finger in his hand, using it to point to each train, and then waiting for me to tell him the name. Guess what? I, too, now know Thomas, Percy, Henry, James, Gordon, Toby, Emily...

Our little guy still loves "his" Ipad and the MANY versions of the Finger Family Song. Who knew that you could sing about Mommy, Daddy, Brother, Sister, and Baby finger in so many languages? Also, there is a Finger Family Song for almost every cartoon character. Thomas, Tayo, Robocar Poli, Mickey Mouse. You name them. They are in the song. If you are not familiar with this delightful little tune, try googling it. Be forewarned, you will be singing it in your sleep and might be cursing me a tiny bit.

Tai also adores this crazy YouTube video of a man with a foreign accent opening lollipops. He unwraps each one, sings about its color, tries it, and then announces, "Yummy, yummy!" Tai now professes his delight and love of food by proclaiming it, "Ummy, ummy!" Poop and anything dirty or stuck to his hands is declared, "Ucky!"

Our old miniature John Deere gator is also getting some love from the little guy. He is a horrible driver, and makes a much better passenger. You will find a huge grin plastered across his face as he looks one way while crashing into the bushes. He still enjoys riding in the car, as well. He jabbers away in his car seat about everything he sees along the way, always with his pudgy little feet criss-crossed and tucked up to him (just like his big brother, he yanks off his shoes as soon as he is seated).

A few weeks ago, Tai took a leap into the lake off of the dock. As he surfaced, he exclaimed, "Happy!" Though he is not a member of the Duck Dynasty Robertson crew, he often declares that he is, "Happy, happy, happy!" This is one of his favorite words now. He is prone to look into my eyes while sitting in a grocery cart with a huge grin on his face and say "Happy!" He then follows up his declaration with a hug and "Tai, mmmm." It melts me every time.

Water is this guy's happy place

Eating his favorite...watermelon!

This past month has been physically and emotionally exhausting, but looking into those smiling chocolate eyes makes it worth every sleepless night.

Then Esau looked up and saw the women and children. "Who are these with you?" he asked. Jacob answered, "They are the children God has graciously given your servant."

~ Genesis 33:5

It will be different...

“It will be different, you know. Raising a brown baby. There are…” she trailed off, cleared her throat and gathered courage. Sometimes the truth is difficult to hear, and often even more difficult to speak.

She began again. Softly, as our children’s giggles and shrieks floated innocently along the breeze while we huddled together on our back porch.

“We teach our white families raising brown babies that they will need to raise those children a little differently. Even a routine traffic stop will need to be taken very, very seriously. You will probably want to talk to other families. I have a reading list that may help, as well. Sadly, it is just the world we live in.”

It is just the world we live in.

We were currently enrolled in the Open Options program with our adoption agency, and were open to any child in any of their country and DHS programs who happened to be a “match.” The time was quickly approaching when we would have to choose a country program, as no match had been made through Open Options. We were leaning heavily toward adopting from Haiti. A few weeks following that meeting with our social worker, Michael Brown was shot and killed by a police officer in Ferguson, Missouri…

In the midst of the riots in Ferguson, we received a call. We had been matched with a chubby-cheeked, smiley baby boy in South Korea.  He was undeniably ours, and the whole family sported the pregnancy glow. We were head over heels in love. We wouldn’t be bringing home a brown baby, but we would be bringing home an Asian baby who definitely looked nothing like the rest of our family. No worries, though, right? None of the race worries that consumed me as I prayed about a baby in Haiti, right? As we would learn the following summer, racism takes many forms, and does not fit neatly into a black/white box.

Summer 2015. Korea Camp. 

A panel of young adult Korean adoptees and a room full of parents of Korean adoptees. For the first time, I heard the term “microaggressions.”

Microaggression: 

A term first used by Columbia professor Derald Sue to refer to “brief and commonplace daily verbal, behavioral, or environmental indignities, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative racial slights and insults toward people of color.”

Whether intentional or unintentional. Have you ever used the phrase or thought, “But he/she didn’t really mean it,”? I have. Since bringing home Tai, I have heard several comments that brought a lump to my throat. When I mentioned them to others, I was told, “But she didn’t really mean it,” or "He/She didn't mean it that way." Tai is too young to understand the root of those comments right now, but the day is not far away. The tightening in my chest is real. And justified.

What I learned from those young people at Korea Camp was that every one of those “jokes” or instances where someone “didn’t really mean it”…they are cumulative. As I listened to them share their hearts, sometimes with tears streaming down their faces and other times with justified anger, something deep inside me began to ache. I heard parents share about their kindergartner’s first experience of being called a banana (white on the inside, yellow on the outside), flat face, or pancake face. The schoolyard taunts and Asian eye jokes. I learned about the sexual stereotypes imposed on young Korean girls, and the frustration of not excelling in math when the stereotype and well-meaning friends say otherwise.

Imagine that each of us is created as a magnificent sculpture, perfect in the eyes of God in every way. With every slight, whether intentional or unintentional, a little bit of that sculpture gets chipped away. For some, the sculpture eventually crumbles to the floor. For others, with one final chink in the marble, it explodes violently into a million tiny pieces. Even for adopted children growing up in a “white” world, the chisel still wields a mighty blow.

Fast forward to this summer…

I am holding our newly adopted little guy perched on my hip while standing in line to purchase snacks at a gas station along the highway. Our daughter, Anna, is acting silly and dancing around a bit, eliciting the sweet music of Tai giggles and guffaws. Suddenly, I spot it. I hug Tai closer to my body and take a step back. I shush Anna and tell her to calm down a bit. I try to give the young man in front of me the benefit of the doubt, but the Mama Bear instincts kick in and I feel the overwhelming need to protect my cubs. Not everyone reacts positively to transracial families such as ours. Especially not young men with swastikas inked on their shoulders.

Suddenly, our social worker’s words come flooding back.“It will be different, you know…”

I’m already doing it. I’m changing my behavior in order to not draw any extra attention that could potentially bring harm to my family. Goodness knows we are one tent short of a circus even on our best days. (My mother lovingly shared that she recently heard this saying and thought of us. Hmmmm...)

During our pre-flight meeting at our adoption agency we were asked how our family and friends were reacting to our adoption. Were they prepared to embrace our Korean cutie? It was explained to us that even the most hesitant of grandparents, friends, etc. have a difficult time holding on to prejudices once they meet and get to know these little guys.

Once they get to know them.

So it is with all of God’s creations, I believe. It is easier to hate the unknown. Let’s hate all Muslims because the only ones we “know” are the terrorists we see on television. Guess what? I would trust most of my gay friends with my children more than many of my straight friends. Why? Because I know them. After the horrifying shootings in Orlando, I read about each of the victims. Sisters, mothers, brothers, husbands, and sons. They weren’t just LGBTQ people. They were people. They were all loved by someone, and I wanted to know them.

Several days ago a man only a few months older than me was shot and killed by a police officer in the place that I call home, Tulsa, Oklahoma. His name was Terence Crutcher, and he was a father to four children. I am withholding judgement in this case until all of the facts are revealed, but it is an unfathomable tragedy for all involved. Both police officers and family members are understandably shaken by these events. I have watched the videos, and despite the fact that I know how it ends, I find myself pleading with Terence to stop walking and keep his hands up. To turn around and face the officers. To not reach toward his car. Whether he was impeded by a medical emergency, drugs, or simply poor judgment, he does not stop or turn back around.

Unfortunately, Tulsa has a dark past when it comes to race relations. Once home to America's Black Wall Street, it became home to the largest and most violent race riots in American history in 1921, decimating America's most prosperous African American community. I strongly believe that "The Burning" by Tim Madigan should be required reading for all High School students, especially as we work as a nation to understand the underpinnings of our current situation.

What do I know, regardless of whether race was at play in Terence’s case?

We still have a race problem in America. Every time a white police officer shoots another black man, shouts of racism echo across the country, even if the shooting was justified.

What will it take to effect real change in our lifetimes?

We must continue and in some cases START a dialogue. Mayors, community leaders, pastors. Those with a voice need to use it to unite, rather than divide. Peaceful protests are a great way to bring attention to an issue, but they rarely invoke change. 

White people, we must acknowledge white privilege.

There. I said it. It is hard to admit, but the more I have read and heard from speakers, the more I realize that in order for me to even begin to understand how my brothers and sisters of color experience life in America, I must acknowledge the advantages that were mine from birth. The perks of being white in America. There are many, but they are often subtle and unrecognized by those of us who benefit from them every day.

Parents, we must teach ALL of our children, regardless of race, to respect and obey those who vow to serve and protect us. If a police officer tells you to put your hands up? Do it. Sit down? Do it. No arguing, no questions asked. Sure, there are some rotten apples in the police force, but the vast majority are there because they truly want to protect and help us. They get paid next to nothing for performing an increasingly dangerous job. To those of you in the police force and those of you who love and support those officers… THANK YOU.

We need to build bridges. I witnessed some amazing bridge-building happening when I attended the local IF:Gathering here in Tulsa this year. Women who had been inspired to reach out to women of other races and backgrounds and truly get to know them as Jesus would. They shared a meal, laughed, and talked about the hard stuff that none of us want to admit, as well as the hard stuff that many of us didn’t KNOW we didn’t know.

I would love to see not just bullying discussions, but specific discussions about race and religious diversity in our schools. Last night we met each of our daughter’s middle school teachers. As we traveled from class to class, I saw parents who were African American, Indian, and Burmese (we have a large population of Burmese refugees in our schools). I saw a mother wearing her hijab. As much as our public schools are struggling financially in our state, it made my heart happy that my daughter is meeting and befriending children who represent the world… not just our little corner of it.

LOVE. We must let our love win over our hate. Our courage must be greater than our fear. Our desire to see a better world for our children must outweigh the ease of living with the status quo. We can shut ourselves in our homes and watch the news spin the stories 24/7 or we can get out there, get to know our neighbors, and share and learn from one another.

"It will be different…" she said.

It WILL be different.

It CAN be different...but it starts right here at home.

Adoption, Europe, and School- Oh My!

Just dropped off our home study packet- all 79 pages!

Glancing back through blog posts, it appears that I took the summer off. Rest assured, I've had plenty of posts floating around in my mind concerning adoption, parenting, the meaning of life, etc. Alas, I've been too busy living life to take time to record or reflect upon it.

To say that our family has a lot going on at the current time might be a bit of an understatement. I'll begin with a recap of our adoption progress. Since I last wrote, we have turned in the 79 pages of home study materials necessary to prove that we are physically, financially, and emotionally capable of adding to our brood. Matt and I both had to write the equivalent of a very short book detailing our upbringing (there was literally a section for each part of our lives- elementary, high school, college, etc), our parenting philosophy, how we are going to address the inevitable racism that will rear its ugly head in our transracial family, how we will address loss and separation issues, etc. We even had to write about our sex life. No lie. It was emotionally exhausting, and I was soooooo happy to hand it all over to our agency.

In the past several months we have had a couples interview and individual interviews with our social worker. She has visited our home, hung out with the kids, and met the dogs. We've shown her the gun safe, the locked medicine closet, and the room that will one day house our sweet new addition. Our kids love her, and she has been incredibly easy to visit with and work alongside. The truth is that these social workers want these kids to find homes. She did not run her fingers over the baseboard checking for dust. As we all know, dust happens while families are making memories. Her job is to ensure that this child will come home to a safe, loving environment. She masterfully worked in questions about discipline while speaking with our children. It was an easy conversation, and she helped address some of our kids' questions and concerns, as well. Grant's number one concern is that his younger brother or sister will not be able to speak the same language. He seemed calmed by our social worker's assurance that children pick up a second language very quickly. Grant will also get a crash course in language immersion in just a few short months.

Yep. We have some OTHER big news.

The entire Bowler family is (temporarily) pulling up roots to live in Paderno del Grappa, Italy, about an hour west of Venice at the base of the Dolomite Mountains (part of the Alps). Matt is going on sabbatical from Oklahoma State University in January, and will be teaching at CIMBA, the Consortium of Universities for International Studies. He will teach leadership and management courses there, as well as work on research for OSU. We will remain in Europe for the entire spring semester. Anna will study dance at Scuola di Danza Elena e Lucia Pegorari. I will be homeschooling/unschooling (a term I've recently learned more about that seems to align better with our schooling plans). Grant's first question was, "Will we go on any field trips?" I burst out laughing and responded, "Buddy, it's going to be one huge field trip!"

We will visit the glass blowers in Venice and learn the science behind their art. We will lie on our backs and gaze at Michelangelo's brushstrokes in the Sistine Chapel. We will visit Auschwitz and learn about those dark days in history, while also learning about atrocities still happening around the world. We will climb the winding stairs to Anne Frank's attic in Amsterdam. We will visit what remains of the Berlin wall. We will study the famous flying buttresses of Notre Dame, and learn about the gypsy outcasts who beg at the base of the Eiffel Tower. We will visit the Mamertine Prison in Rome, where Paul wrote 2 Timothy. Grant loves Claude Monet, so we will visit Monet's gardens in Giverny. We will swim in the Mediterranean. We will visit one of the parfumeries in Paris, and learn about the staggering salaries paid to those with a discerning sense of smell. We will keep journals and convert money. The list goes on and on... We will learn so much more than we ever imagined. All of us.

I visited Europe for the first time at the age of 21. Though I studied French for years and years, it was Italy that captured my heart. The towering cypresses of Tuscany, the free-flowing wine, the lingering meals. Something about this laidback lifestyle where family took precedence over hurried living greatly appealed to me. I threw my coins in the Trevi Fountain in Rome, and made the customary wish to return to the city. I am thrilled beyond words over this opportunity for our entire family. The professors and students are encouraged to travel, and are thus given several four day weekends and a ten day spring break. We will sometimes be travelling alongside students. I am excited by the prospect of being a "mom-away-from-home" for these American students. We will be living on campus in housing alongside other professors' families. We will be given a car, but are only a 15 minute walk from the next larger village and its celebrated Sunday markets. We will primarily bike and walk within our own village and neighboring villages.

But what about our adoption? Our social worker is actually super excited about our trip. The waiting involved in international adoption is the hardest part. Even if we received a referral today, it would still probably be a year before we could bring our little sweetie home. We are nearing a point where our home study is almost complete and we will gather any additional items to mail our dossier to our prospective country. We are still leaning heavily toward Haiti, although China is still an option. The wait time for China is the shortest, but there is something about Haiti that pulls at our hearts, despite the hints of racism we have already encountered. Please keep us in your prayers during this crazy, but exciting time. We are eagerly anticipating the ways in which God will use this trip to prepare our hearts for our little one and leave a lasting impression on our children. 

Adding Another Cherry to the Bowl(ers)

So...this is happening. We have some big news that several of you already know. After much prayer and the beginnings of a lot of paperwork, we are finally ready to make it public. The Bowler family is adding at least one more cherry to the bowl(ers). We are officially in the trenches of the adoption process. Our initial application has been approved, and we are moving into the home study portion of the process. For many of you, this is no surprise.  You have heard me talk about the possibility of adoption in the past. Upon sharing what I believed to be Earth-shattering news with you, several of you said, "Great! I wondered when you guys were going to do that!" So although it is very BIG news, it is not entirely surprising news. I will attempt to answer a few of the questions I have encountered most often through sharing our news.

1. Why now? Why not.

Adoption has been on our hearts for some time.  The first time I mentioned adoption to Matt, I distinctly remember that Grant was still a baby.  While he would nap, I would browse the internet to learn about international and local adoption. At the time, we were overwhelmed with a three year-old and a colicky baby. It wasn't the right time, but God was planting a seed. Over the years, God continued to show us His heart for orphans. I lost sleep over the fact that there are over 140 million orphans in the world. We could easily have had another biological child, but I knew when Grant was born that he would be the last to grow in my belly. I knew that if we were to have more children, it would be through adoption. Our next child would grow in our hearts.

Fast forward six or seven years, and here we are. Several weeks ago at church, a family was featured who had adopted a beautiful little boy from Sierra Leone. They showed a photo of him with his bright white smile surrounded by his smooth, dark skin. He showed his palms to the photographer. On them were written Psalm 68:6, "God sets the lonely in families." I lost it. The tears flowed freely, and we knew it was time.

2. From where will this little one arrive? Excellent question.

Over the past weeks Matt and I have spoken to several adoption agencies. We have quizzed every adoptive parent friend. My brain is an encyclopedia of information about the political and social climates of various countries around the world. Ethiopian adoptions are moving much slower than before...South Korea is moving faster. Ukraine is still allowing adoption applications, but the relationship with the U.S. is tenuous at best. Russian adoptions are completely halted because Putin doesn't want Americans adopting Russian children. The wait for a relatively healthy child from Honduras that is of an age that maintains the birth order in our home is about four years. Only children ages ten and up are available for adoption from Colombia. Oklahoma DHS is an option, but there are an entirely different set of challenges should we choose that route. Currently, Haiti appears to be a good "fit" for our family, but EVERYTHING CAN CHANGE WITH A MOMENT'S NOTICE. At our current ages, income level, and number of years married, we qualify for every single program. Overwhelming? Yes. For those who know us, I know what you are thinking...

3. What about our beloved Guatemala?  Without hesitation, we would adopt from Guatemala if that were an option. 

Matt made his first mission trip to Guatemala shortly after the 36 year Civil War ended there in 1996. He lived and worked in Guatemala with HELPS International in 1999 as a field manager for medical and construction mission teams. He even received a certificate from President Arzu thanking him for his service to the country. We made our first trip there as a couple four months after we were married in 2000. We shared the "land of eternal spring" with our children for the first time in 2012. We love the country, the people, the culture, BUT...

Unfortunately, in January of 2008 the "Ortega Law" went into effect. Guatemala passed the law at the insistence of the U.S. State Department to comply with the United Nations' Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption. After the passage of the law, all intercountry adoptions were shut down, including those that were already in progress. This was done as a result of unethical adoption practices such as the alleged kidnapping and selling of babies (and even the murder of their mothers). Without a doubt, this HAD to be stopped. Six years and a lot of shady government "work" later, the country is still closed to intercountry adoption.  I recently read an article in the Wall Street Journal that chronicles the orphan epidemic that is now occurring there. As I told Matt, it makes me sick to my stomach to read about the children piling up in the orphanages.

Though we can not currently adopt from Guatemala, we will continue to support those organizations with "feet on the ground" there. We continue to write to and support our Compassion children and their families.  My favorite source of jewelry and accessories these days is Noonday Collection. Noonday pays artisans around the world (including Guatemala, where my favorite bag was crafted) a living wage, allowing them to support their families. In San Felipe, Guatemala, The God's Child Project and Casa Jackson provide incentives for parents to send their children to school. They also provide parent education. They teach parents how to nourish their babies and use their land to provide for their families. We experienced the joy of serving at both The God's Child Project and Casa Jackson on our most recent trip to Guatemala. We strongly believe that a huge part of orphan care is the practice of orphan prevention. These organizations are in the business of enabling families to care for themselves and their children.

Caring for the malnourished babies and children at Casa Jackson

4. Don't you have to choose a country? Not yet.

After speaking with many adoption agencies, we chose Dillon International.  They are based out of Tulsa, which is quite appealing to us.  They also provide a valuable support system when Baby Bowler comes home.  They regularly hold heritage events during which children adopted from the same country come together to celebrate their heritage.  They also provide support groups for the adopted child as they grow older. The MOST attractive aspect of Dillon is that they recently started a program entitled "Open Options." This program allows families to go through the initial application and home study without choosing a country.  The goal of Open Options is to help more children find families who are farther along in the adoption process. We were approved for all of the programs served by Dillon (China, Colombia, Haiti, Hong Kong, India, Korea, and Okahoma DHS). Not being committed to a country allows us to be open to whatever (and whomever) God might have waiting for us.

5. Boy? Girl? Age? The answer is yes.

Clear as mud, right? We are open to a boy or a girl and yes (gasp!)...even siblings. We would like to bring our Baby Bowler home as young as possible, but these days in the world of international adoptions, the "babies" brought home are usually toddlers or older. We have requested a kiddo between the ages of zero and five. In the end, we are trusting that God will show us which little sweetie belongs in our family. Should Oklahoma DHS bring us our little one, he or she might be younger.


5. Now what? We begin the home study process.

We have filled out the initial paperwork, including the "Checklist of Special Care Conditions," a list of 145 conditions, syndromes, potential family history issues, etc. It includes everything from birthmarks and asthma to missing limbs and cancer. You are instructed to check YES, NO, or MAYBE regarding whether or not you would be willing to adopt a child with each condition. It is a horrible little checklist because it feels that with every "NO" box we check, we are rejecting a child. How can I say no to hip dysplasia when our Anna was born with this condition? What about heart defects? An echogenic intracardiac focus was detected on Anna when I was 20 weeks pregnant. An EIF is a calcium deposit often associated with various chromosomal disorders, including Down syndrome. It was quite visible on the ultrasound, and scary until it miraculously resolved itself four weeks, a lot of prayer, and a handful or perinatologist visits later. When I voiced my concern about the checklist, I was cautioned by agencies to not be too hard on ourselves. They told me, "Remember, your NO will be someone else's YES." My friend Emily wrote a beautiful piece about this checklist on her blog. Check it out here.

Baby Anna in her harness to correct hip dysplasia

Who could say "no" to this cuteness?

The home study will be a lengthy process. LOTS of paperwork, home visits, etc. Every aspect of our lives will be examined under a microscope. We have prepared our kiddos for a long ride. We know that there will be tears shed along the way...and frustrations...and setbacks...and a whole lot of waiting. However, we know that God would not put adoption in our hearts if He didn't intend to walk with us every step of the way. After all, He is the creator of adoption. It is He who first adopted us into His family as His children through Jesus Christ, giving us the full rights and privileges of a son or daughter.

Please join us in prayer as we work to bring the newest member of the Bowler family home!

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God!"

1 John 3:1