"The Biggest Loser," Raising Girls Who Love Their Bodies, and RemovingThe Plank From My Own Eye

I gasped. Like much of the rest of the world. As Rachel gracefully made her way out onto the stage in her Biggest Loser weigh-in clothes, I did it. I judged. She looked so thin. She hadn't looked this thin the last time we saw her!?!? Is she okay? Did she go too far?

She stepped on the scale. The scale read 105 pounds. The results were in. She was THE biggest loser. My daughter was already asleep that night, but I had DVRed the show for her.  Anna and I are couch-side cheerleaders, celebrating the contestants' journey to better health. She was anxious to see the results, but on a school night...she would have to wait until tomorrow.

As I sat on that couch, I contemplated.  What was I going to tell my daughter? I knew there would be talk of Rachel's extremely thin appearance. I suddenly found myself looking up Rachel's height.  Was she really that thin? Television can play tricks on your eyes. I discovered that Rachel is five feet five inches tall. Whoa. That's only an inch taller than me...not as tall as she appeared on television.

Suddenly I felt that enormous plank in my eye. You know the one? The one in Matthew 7:3-5 that reads,

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Um, yeah. So there was this one time before I was married and had kids when I was able to work out a lot and I ate really, really, really healthy. Yeah....ummmmm...I flirted with that 100 pound mark then.

I did the calculations. Sure enough, I was technically "underweight" according to my BMI (Body Mass Index). Much has been made of the fact that Rachel falls below that magical healthy weight line as figured by calculating her BMI.  What hasn't been widely reported is that she is only six pounds from being at a "healthy" weight according to BMI standards. Six pounds. Many of us can gain six pounds in the week between Christmas and New Year's Day.

So why has so much been made of Rachel? Are we jealous? Have we lost touch with the reality of what a healthy weight looks like? I think there are several factors at play.  Nothing is ever as simple as it first appears. First, she is only twenty-four years old. Second, she is an athlete. A former competitive swimmer. And "The Biggest Loser"? It's still a competition. A competition where the winner goes home with $250,000 and priceless insight into how to live a healthy lifestyle.  Insight into what personally triggers him or her to seek food instead of support. I've read that "The Biggest Loser" producers are making some changes since witnessing Rachel's dramatic transformation after leaving the ranch. I'm fairly certain that Rachel's competitive side, the one she had put on the back burner, came roaring to life when she realized "I CAN DO THIS!" For the contestants, weight loss is their full time job. They are exercising hours and hours a day. Much more than they will work out to eventually maintain their weight loss. As any athlete knows, those days and weeks leading up to a competition are important. I run marathons and half marathons.  It is a FACT that I watch what I put into my body and am more dedicated to my workouts in the weeks leading up to a race. In the final days before a race, I pay close attention to whether the calories I put into my body are life-sustaining or empty. Think of a five pound weight. Do you want to carry that with you for 13.1 or 26.2 miles? I think not. I am not the fastest runner. I won't be the first to cross the finish line. I am watching my diet not because I want to lose weight, but because I WANT TO RUN MY BEST RACE. My guess is that Rachel was simply running her best race, and now that the race is over, she can settle into a weight that is healthy and maintainable for her.

Now for the big question. What does this mean for our girls? How do we raise girls who love their perfectly imperfect bodies? How do I explain the hoopla surrounding Rachel to my ten year-old daughter?

First of all, we have to look at ourselves. As parents, we are our children's first role models and heroes. Are we constantly complaining about our weight?  Are we never "small enough" or the "right" weight? Or are we celebrating the beauty of a body that has birthed one, two, three, or more children? Do we make a point to model healthy eating and exercise habits? Men, do you make your wife feel beautiful inside and out through your words and affection? Or do you berate your wife or criticize her body? Your daughters are watching. Here are a few tips to get you headed in the right direction.

1. SPEAK ONLY POSITIVELY ABOUT YOUR OWN BODY
This one can be the toughest. When my daughter was born, I made a promise to myself that I would never complain about my body or my weight in front of her. This has resulted in me rarely complaining about my body or weight...ever. It has been a win-win situation for everyone. Those negative thoughts creep in on a rare occasion, but it has generally been one of the best decisions I ever made. Initially, I was doing it for her, but it turns out that it was just as much for me.

When we are constantly trying to lose weight or going on the latest fad diet, we send a confusing message to our girls. If they see that we are never happy with the way we are right now, it sends the message that we (and they) will never be good enough. This can be difficult, especially if you grew up in a house where Mom or Dad was always trying to lose weight. My mother taught nutrition and family health classes at a local university for years. She also worked as a leader for Weight Watchers (which, if you are looking for support in your quest for a healthy weight and lifestyle, is one of the best programs out there). I was raised surrounded by a wealth of valuable information regarding nutrition and health. However, the problem with focusing on only losing weight is that it places the emphasis on a number, not a lifestyle. I don't want my daughter to believe that her worth is based on a number. Psalm 139:14 reads,

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well."

Great news! All of us are made in the image of Christ. He is not in the business of making junk. He makes beautiful things. His works are wonderful. Several years ago I participated in the Vicki Courtney Bible study entitled "Five Conversations You Must Have with Your Daughter." I highly recommend it, and am actually rereading the book now that my daughter is a little older. One of the most interesting facts I learned through the discussion involved a study of girls' journals.  It turns out, before mirrors became de rigeur, girls wrote about internal beauty and desired to be known for their character. With the advent of mirrors, suddenly their writing turned to external appearances. Hmmmm... reminds me of what the Lord says to Samuel in the latter half of 1 Samuel 16:7,

"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 

After learning about the "mirror effect," I wrote Psalm 139:14 on a crown and glued it to my daughter's full length mirror.  A visual reminder of how Christ sees her. Although she is no longer interested in princesses, the mirror and its message remain.

 

2.GET MOVING
Go for a walk. Go for a hike. Go for a run. Go to the gym. Just go. Active parents beget active children. Be active together, but also let her see you make time for your own fitness activities. Let her see you make goals and then work to attain them. Allow your daughter to try out different sports. Encourage her to follow her passions. Let her see that God has blessed her with a strong body. Use it. My daughter is a dancer. She also happens to take after her daddy and be a fast little runner. She tried out soccer, but she just didn't love it. So we quit. On the other hand, she begs to take more dance classes. Help her find her God-given gifts. Use those six little words that have been in the news so much since Bruce E. Brown and Rob Miller of Proactive Coaching LLC revealed the results of three decades worth of research.  When those college athletes were asked what they most loved to hear from their parents after a game, it was unequivocally, "I love to watch you play." Or dance. Or run. Or whatever lights your daughter's heart on fire.

3. SPEAK ONLY POSITIVELY ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S BODIES
Maybe he's a little overweight. Maybe she's a little skinny. Poor Rachel. She was "too big"...and now she's "too skinny." We sure can be a judgmental bunch, we couch potato kings and queens of the remote. In our house, we don't make fun of people. Period. I sometimes go back to the old saying, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Not everything needs to be said out loud, and everyone has a story and past hurts. I try to remember this when I find my thoughts careening off a dead-end road. If it is not uplifting, it doesn't need to be said, even if that person is on a television screen. How would it feel to be judged as harshly as we sometimes judge others? And what kind of example does this set for our children? If they see their parents constantly judging others, they will not only follow that example, but will expect to be judged themselves.

One sentence said by my father many years ago still echoes in my mind. I was in junior high, and had just finished cheering at a basketball game.  I was starving when we arrived home. I remember walking into the family room and talking to him as I ate.  He looked up from his navy blue leather chair with a somewhat disgusted look on his face and said, "If you keep eating like that, you're going to get fat." It was a verbal slap in the face. I kept thinking, "But I'm so hungry?!?!" I definitely paid more attention to my eating after that, at times bordering on the disordered (although I'm not sure you can "border" on an eating disorder).  I love my dad dearly, and years later asked him if he remembered saying those words. He didn't. In fact, he completely denied it. I can tell you, however, that a thirteen or fourteen year-old girl doesn't forget. Your words can either raise up or tear down. The first man to love our daughters is their daddy. Fathers, if you are blessed with the love of a little girl, guard that precious heart. Celebrate her inner beauty even more than her outward appearance.

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." ~ Proverbs 31:30 

4. POINT OUT THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
I'm not talking about the people who are beautiful on the outside, but about those who possess a beautiful character worthy of celebration. They are everywhere. When you start looking, you will find them. The kind soul who holds open the door when your arms are weary from carting groceries and kids.  The one who gives up her Saturdays to volunteer at the homeless shelter. The one who walks your crying baby up and down the halls of church so that you can actually sit through one. entire. service. The one who speaks life and truth into your daughter...she is beautiful.

So what did I tell my daughter the next morning?  I kept it very simple.  My daughter is naturally very thin.  She takes after her daddy with her long, lean muscles. I would never want my daughter to think that being thin is a "bad" thing. My husband, while training for a half Ironman triathlon, was told on multiple occasions to "eat a cheeseburger" in jest. He had a rigorous training schedule and was pure muscle. What most of those people didn't know was that he ate constantly to keep his body fueled. They also didn't know that only a few years before, he had been overweight and told that if he couldn't get his blood pressure down through diet and exercise, he would have to go on medication. All of this was running through my head as I gazed into her innocently questioning eyes.

I told her that Rachel had won, and that she appeared very thin. I told her that some people were saying that she was too thin, but that we know that God makes people in all shapes and sizes. If Rachel was eating healthy and exercising, this might be right where God wanted her. And on that note, she danced away, happy for Rachel.

Please feel free to share this post with anyone you might know who needs a reminder of just how truly beautiful God made her.

I'm attaching one of my favorite songs regarding girls and beauty.  It is called "A More Beautiful You" by Jonny Diaz. More than anything, I want our girls to see that as daughters of Christ, there could never be "A More Beautiful You."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ks3R2BwyO0

The Beauty of Repetition

There we sat, my little buddy and I snuggled up in our little cabin by the lake, anxiously awaiting the dawning of a new year. We started this tradition last year, a sort of anti-New Year’s celebration.  Not that we were against the New Year, but rather that we started celebrating it in a much different way. The children voted to spend New Year’s Eve 2012 at our recently purchased lake house with only our little family. We welcomed 2013 with the lake lapping at the shore. Their Daddy set off a few fireworks in the brisk winter sky. It was… peaceful…joyful. So we did it again this year. We loaded up kids and dogs and party horns and hats and headed to the icy wonderland of the lake.
 



Our Icy Wonderland

My little guy and I were snuggled up, waiting for the ball to drop, when the local news interrupted our festivities. It was kind of a downer, really. I mean, who wants to hear about the year’s high homicide rate when there is a crystal-encrusted sphere ready to drop from the sky? I thought about turning it off for a bit, but Grant wanted to listen to an upcoming story.  I can count on one hand the number of times our kids have watched the local news, precisely because of the aforementioned propensity of our local news to cover such happy topics as homicides and abuse. Fun stuff. Or not. Great conversation starters, too. The story that caught Grant’s attention, however, was one about the “bridge people” of Tulsa.  The bridge people are those men and women who “live” under the bridges.

He was glued to the television. God had a plan when he placed us at the cabin on a cold New Year’s Eve watching the late night news. The news reporter interviewed a woman living under the bridges, a grandma. The grandma spoke about how cold it gets at night. About her former life and how mental illness always seemed to lead her back to the streets.  The news station announced that they were going to be collecting blankets that would be distributed to those who needed them. Grant was quiet after the story concluded.  In his old age (seven) he has become my quiet thinker. He announced that he was tired and just wanted to go to bed.  We witnessed the ringing in of 2014 in Sydney and Paris, and that was good enough for him.

Blankie

As I lay next to him in his little twin bed, he began to talk. “Mom, I bet it’s hard for those people when it gets so cold at night." His voice became serious as he scratched and rubbed the silky side (or what's left of it) of Blankie, his constant bedtime companion since he was a baby.  "I mean, when you live outside, a blanket is EVERYTHING.” He gazed at me with brown eyes big as saucers and blinked his long lashes as he emphasized, “EVERYTHING! We have lots of blankets at home.  We should give some to those people when we get home.” He went on, “I bet we could give them some other stuff, too.”

“That’s a great idea, buddy, “I responded. “Like what?”

“Well, I bet they could use a backpack for their stuff. Maybe some food.”

I was speechless.  It was my turn to look at him with eyes big as saucers. He didn’t want to give them his old Skylanders that he never plays with anymore or some bubblegum he didn’t like.  He wanted to give them something that they could actually use. He wasn’t thinking about himself, but about what he could do for others. He was seven, and he was finally starting to GET IT!

It was a thankyoujesusgloryhallelujah moment for this mama.  You see, you have to know my kids to understand why this was such a celebration-worthy occasion. Our daughter, Anna, was born an old soul… a giver from the start. She has plans to adopt twelve children, eight dogs, and half a dozen other living creatures. She heard about a family who lost their Christmas presents in a fire and immediately asked me if we could help. She had her friends bring gifts to her tenth birthday party that could be donated to a dog shelter. On a family trip to Guatemala, my then-eight-year-old begged me to keep taking pictures "so that I can show my friends how blessed we are.”

Then there is Grant. My snuggly, dimpled baby boy. He developed a textbook case of colic at around four weeks old.  I used to say that's why God gave him those adorable dimples. The colic lasted until…eh…let’s just say a really long time.  That entire first year is a blur. Grant is fiery and loving at the same time. He is intense. Passionate. In his early years, it seemed that the saying “Hell hath no fury like Grant scorned” might be appropriate. Generous was not a word I would have used to describe Grant. It was brutal. And exhausting. I blamed my husband, because everyone said our boy was ornery just like his daddy was “back in the day.” The honest truth? He’s also a lot like me. Do you remember that part in "Father of the Bride" where Steve Martin (George) is talking to his future son-in-law (Bryan), played by George Newbern, about the long line of passionate people? That's us.

 

George: You know, Bryan, Annie's a very passionate person. And passionate people tend to overreact at times. Annie comes from a long line of major overreactors. Me. I can definitely lose it. My mother. A nut. My grandfather. Stories about him were legendary. The good news, however, is that this overreacting... tends to get proportionately less by generation. So, your kids could be normal.

George: [voice-over] As if that wasn't enough, I went on.

George: But on the upside, with this passion... comes great spirit and individuality... which is probably one of the reasons you love Annie.

Bryan: That's what I love most about her.

 

Matt would often ask me, “What are we going to do with him? Should we do something different?” I was the one with the degree in early childhood education and a master’s degree in curriculum and instruction. I took countless hours of human learning. I knew more than most humans would ever need to know about how the brain of a child “works,” yet somehow it wasn’t working. Until it did.

The only tidbit of knowledge I could share with my husband about raising a strong-willed child that wasn’t already in our arsenal was REPETITION. Repetition, repetition, repetition. Be consistent. Logical consequences again and again and again. My professors had drilled it into my head, but in the daily grind I was starting to doubt the wisdom of their advice. Our boy is hard-headed. Driven. Determined. Positive characteristics when steered in the right direction. He might have been frustrating and defiant, but guess what? He was listening. 

He is now seven, and has become more adept at handling anger when it does arise (which is MUCH less often). He is kind and caring, and impresses us daily in the ways he is growing and maturing. We still have days when I want to scream and stomp and pull my hair out (I only follow through with those actions about half of the time. I, too, am a work in progress.), but I am genuinely proud of the way our young man is growing in his ability to channel his emotions. We don't just want him to experience everything we want for him. More than anything, we want everything that God wants for and from him. .

Mission Accomplished!

In those early years and today, when we prayed with him at night, I thanked Jesus for the precious gift of my son.  Together, we thanked God for our nice, warm house, and food on our table.  We asked God to be with those who did not have food or a bed.  We prayed for God to show us ways we could help. We prayed for Rudy and Estephany, the children we sponsor through Compassion International. Per Grant's request, we prayed for all of the endangered animals. We prayed for those we knew were hurting, and counted our blessings. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. It occurred to me today that we have prayed those prayers with our children THOUSANDS of times now in their short lives. Ten years of praying with Anna. Seven years of praying with Grant. Ironically, while we were using repetition to shape his behavior, we were unknowingly using it to shape his conscience. Repetition. It’s a beautiful thing.

We have also cried out to God in desperation in our private parenting prayers. He listened. He is always listening. He answers, though it is on His timetable, not ours. He never falls asleep on the job, and He is working for us 24/7. For any parents who are struggling today, please take comfort in knowing that your babies are also listening. You are not alone. Take joy in the small victories along the way. My children are seven and ten. Many of our greatest parenting challenges are yet to come. Today, however, I’m taking joy in this small triumph. This gift. Time to gather up some blankets…

"Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." Deuteronomy 11:19